Since 2009, Minecraft has been a staple game for creative kids and adults around the world. Being a game that is as open source as it is open world, allows for creative solutions both intended and not even conceived by the original creator, Markus Perss

on, AKA, “Notch”. Although Notch’s reputation isn’t so positive nowadays, Minecraft has remained prominent almost since inception. Truly, Minecraft players have taken decades to make the game their own, and are even passing the game on to their kids. It would make sense, right? A game with limited amounts of cartoon violence, endless creativity, the ability to have fun both online AND offline, and accommodating difficulty options sounds perfect for kids. Thus, future content becomes tailored towards a younger demographic. However, does that mean the older generation that was first exposed to Minecraft are no longer the core audience? Or should a film in production for 11 years maybe try to appease both?

Rating: 4.5/10

*Slight Spoilers Ahead*

Firstly, children’s movies don’t get an excuse for being bad. Parents need to watch these films too. Some Children tend to repeat their favourite movies over and over and over again, I think every parent would much prefer something they can tune into as well, instead of something to get sick of. It’s maybe not the easiest thing to create a multi-generational film that is safe yet engaging to general audiences, but 11 years is probably enough time. 

I think the main crux of this rant/review is that this is clearly a niche movie, but it doesn’t feel like it’s made for that niche. It seems as though the writers felt that Minecraft was too much to learn and create a narrative around, so they settled on learning the basics and then creating a formulaic baby movie. I mean, the movie starts with a long voiceover of Jack Black explaining the basics of the game. Why would you take someone to A Minecraft Movie if they have no idea how the game works? This voice over intro covers the antecedent action and sets up the rest of the boring, low-stakes, plot. Failing to “Show” instead of “Tell” the audience what’s going on.

Speaking of haphazard, there seems to be no similar theme among the cast except maybe championing diversity and appeasing the quintessential demographic; creative, but shy pre-teens. I don’t mean this to be rude either, but when you look at the cast, it seems more like the wacky roster of some adult animated comedy instead of a children’s adventure movie. Why doesn’t the protagonist enter the new world with some of the kids who looked down on him at school? Wouldn’t this film make more sense as a goonies-esque adventure where the kids are guided by Steve? Did they seriously want adult audiences to connect with a stuck in the past, 80’s douchebag instead? Adult audiences are able to connect with kids too, there’s no need to just check demographics off a list.

I guess my questions are refuted by the intent to have A-List actors among the cast in order to maximize sales and marketing. However, the Hollywood stars end up playing their real-life counterparts instead of their assigned roles in the film. In the game of Minecraft, Steve is a non-verbal character. Yet, Jack Black just continues to play Dewey Finn from School of Rock, but with even less reason to break out into song. Jason Momoa gets a slight pass because he manages to be entertaining. He’s still just playing himself, but without him the movie would be beyond boring because there is no real plot. Him and the protagonist are the only people to go through a real character arc in the film, but it’s still rushed and unjustified.

This is a film I would not pay to see, because it felt like more of a tax on my time than entertainment worth paying for. I felt like I could have dropped the film at any point in the story and been satisfied with not knowing the ending. I also wouldn’t bother paying for the film because the trailer not only describes the plot, but shows a majority of the hype moments in the film. There’s even a scene in the trailer where Jason and Jack’s character are saying goodbye, but that’s the resolution point of the story! They put the end of the movie in the trailer! The trailer even has that bit where Jennifer Coolidge hits a villager and interacts with it. This is probably 1/8th of the total screen time of that subplot, just in the trailer. Not that the Jennifer Coolidge subplot is any good or funny, it’s pretty awkward and pathetic. 

Now, if you think just because the subplot is undercooked, doesn’t mean the main plot is, right? You would be wrong. In all honesty, I can hardly recall the events of this film because they were neither significant nor memorable. They were all game locations, sure, but it still feels like they’re just checking things off a list. And they didn’t even dig deep enough to touch on The End, where the actual final boss of the game is. Instead, they created a villain, who was basic and unintimidating. I hate this trend of making children’s villains not scary. Are you not supposed to root against them? It makes it more monumental when the protagonist succeeds because the villain seemed large and insurmountable to begin with. Furthermore, there’s no twists and turns in this plot. That brief little detour they take to grab Steve’s Diamonds for Jason’s character, is the closest thing to a betrayal in this movie and still the stakes of it are essentially nothing. In fact, it’s totally reasonable given his motivations. This movie has the perfect opportunity to create tension between Steve being compelled to serve Malgosha, but wanting to help the cast instead, but nah, it just amounts to nothing. Even when Momoa’s character “sacrifices” himself, it’s very obvious he’s coming back. It’s fine he comes back, but where’s the drama? What do the remaining characters learn from his sacrifice? Nothing. Plot moves forward like it’s on a track.

This movie had 10+ years to cook, and it came out pink inside. What an embarrassing baby movie that should’ve reached across generations. Do not financially support this film. Also, the CGI was noticeably terrible at some points. Made me nostalgic for the Playstation 2.

Thanks for reading!